


And Then There Was Sadstuck

by Obiwanakin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Death, Depression, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-02
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obiwanakin/pseuds/Obiwanakin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of varying short sadstuck pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Balance

Your name is Dave Strider, and in front of you sits your life in the balance.

There on the desk, standing under the lamplight like an announcer on a stage, is a pill bottle and a glass of scotch with ice. You could just drink the scotch, get a buzz going, then pass out in your bed like every other night, then wake up the next day feeling shitty. Or, you could pop back a handful of the pills, then drink the scotch and pass out in your bed, only you wouldn’t wake up. It’d be like a permanent snooze button, no rinsing and repeating ever again.

You’re leaning heavily towards the pills.

You’ve been at this routine for several weeks now, watching your life hang in the balance like it was some sort of sick game. Now you weren’t doing this for no reason, though it could be seen that way. Truthfully, you just didn’t want to be alive anymore. You saw no point in it. You got up every morning, went to work, came home, drank yourself into a stupor, then stared at the scotch and pills on your desk. You were absolutely sick of that routine.

You wanted more to look forward to, more to live for.

You wanted your childhood friend John to love you with the same unconditional love that you held for him, but that was out of the question. The man was happily married and the most contact the two of you had had in the past three years was a Christmas card thrown in somewhere.

You wanted your brother back, the brother you’d looked at through baby eyes as a hero. Bro still was a hero, at least to you. Sometimes, when you were drunk enough, you’d pretend to spar with him in the kitchen. It wasn’t the same, though, not without Bro himself and not without the hot cement of the apartment complex roof.

You wanted to go back in time, to fix all of your fuck-ups. If you could go back and return the money you’d stolen from the purse of some woman on the subway, you would. If you could go back and unbreak that hotel room mirror you’d punched on a particularly reckless night, you would. If you could go back and stop the game that had led you to this meaningless life, you definitely would.

But you could have none of the things you wanted, so you sit staring at the balance.

You reach your hand forward, and instead of grabbing the scotch, you grab the bottle of pills, unscrewing the cap while you smile wryly to yourself.


	2. Ready To Fall

Your name is Dave Strider, and you’re teetering on the edge, both literally and figuratively.

The rooftop asphalt is hot against the soles of your sneakers, the sun is blaring down on your freckled skin. There isn’t a cloud in the sky on this perfect day.

Yeah, fucking perfect.

Just moments ago you’d been talking to the love of your life, the apple of your eye, John Egbert. Everything was going as it normally did. You two were throwing banter back and forth ( **TG:** come on john just admit it **EB:** no, dave! i do not have a mancrush on nicolas cage!) like you always did. Then out of nowhere, John asked you if you had your eye on anyone.

And for some ungodly reason, you had told him the truth.

It wasn’t some big, flamboyant confession. It was merely ‘you.’ John hadn’t replied for a long time, long enough time for you to lose your shit by means of screaming profanities at yourself and punching walls. When he finally replied, what you got in return for your admitted feelings was

 **EB** : what the fuck.

That’s how you ended up here on the roof, looking down at the traffic from atop your apartment complex. Your heart felt like a broken mess in your chest, pumping not only blood throughout your body, but pain and hurt and sadness. It’s not like you weren’t expecting it, it’s just that the real thing, the rejection actually occurring, hurt far more than you’d imagined it would.

You take off your shades and experimentally drop them off the side. You watch them fall, fall, fall until they’re a miniscule dot clattering to pieces on the sidewalk. Behind you, your phone buzzes repeatedly. Ignoring it, you lift one foot over the edge, then lean forward until you’re soaring face-first to the ground.

 **EB:** what the fuck.

 **EB** : i mean, oh my god

 **EB** : this is so great, dave. you don’t even know

 **EB** : i really like you, like really really like you

 **EB** : you there?

 **EB** : dave?


	3. Four Years Of Desperation

**-Freshman Year-**

It's the first day of freshman year. You're sitting at a lunch table with Equius, pretending to listen to him as he drones on in his deep-but-quiet voice about an archery range his father was going to take him to. You've pretty much stopped listening to anything Equius said about archery; he hadn't used a bow once in his fourteen years of life.

Besides, you are too busy staring at the new boy a few tables over. His black hair is a mess, there are dark circles under his eyes from sleepless nights, and his face is etched with a displeased frown. You think he's the cutest boy you've ever seen.

Finally, after a few careful decision-dedicated moments, you interrupt Equius with a quick "be right back" and, after straightening your cat-eared beanie, make your way over to where the new boy is sitting alone. You are very nervous, more nervous than you've ever been just talking to someone, but you swallow down your nerves and sit down across from the boy, a smile on your face.

"Hi there, I'm Nepeta!" You say cheerfully despite the boy's obvious discomfort.

"Um. Hi."

You fight past the worry and anxiety that tickles the inside of your chest. "Well, what's your name?"

"Karkat."

"Ooohh, Karkat? Like kitty. Hehe, I love cats." You giggle nervously.

"Obviously."

You cock your head in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Karkat simply points at your hat. Immediately you understand, then you feel like a dope for not realizing what he meant sooner.

"Oh, yeah. I love cats." Another nervous giggle slips out. Wait, didn't you already say that? You curse yourself inwardly.

"Look, no offense, but I'm really not in the mood to deal with the school's notorious cat girl." The look on his face is one of annoyance, and shit, why did you ever even come over here?

"I- oh." You stand, your cosplaying tail hanging sadly. "Yeah, sorry to bother you."

You head back over to Equius, who, having heard everything, immediately wraps you in a strong hug.

"I'll kill that impudent brat for speaking to you that way."

"No." You say against his shoulder. "It's okay, maybe he just didn't sleep well last night and he's grouchy."

You keep telling yourself this throughout your first day of high school, but it doesn't really help to ease the throb of hurt in your chest.

**-Sophomore Year-**

It's the first day of sophomore year, and once again you find yourself sitting at the same lunch table with Equius. And, like last year, you're staring at Karkat with a look of longing on your face. But this year, Karkat is sitting with others, namely Terezi, Sollux, and Gamzee.

This isn't too big of a deal for you, but jealousy has knocked on the metaphorical door of your heart. You couldn't stand the way Terezi hangs off him, the way he doesn't frown at her like the way he frowned at you all last year.

But you like Terezi, you even roleplay with her. So why couldn't you just get over the fact that she's friends with the boy you like?

"Nepeta, I do not see the reason you like that measly excuse for a human. He's very rude to you." Equius says, breaking your train of thought.

"I dunno. I just... like him."

And really, you aren't sure why you like Karkat. All last year he was as mean to you as could be, waving off your tries at friendship with an inconsiderate hand. However, you still swoon like a fool at how cute he is, how smart he is, how amazing he is.

So what classified him as amazing?

You can't answer that because you honestly aren't sure. You just know he is. There is something about him, some kind of spark, that has your eyes always on him.

He was awful to you, though. You'd tried walking with him to class only to be shooed away, you'd tried talking to him at lunch only to be ignored or rudely told to go away. Yes, these things hurt, cut you so deep they left scars on your heart, but still you tried and tried to be Karkat's friend, much to Equius' dismay.

Terezi catches you staring at Karkat and nudges the boy as she points to you. Embarrassed, you look back to Equius and pretend that it never happened.

**-Junior Year-**

It's the first day of junior year, and this time things are different. This time, you're sitting with, of all people, Karkat. Well, plus Equius, Gamzee, Sollux, and Terezi. Finally, after two years, Karkat has finally accepted your friend ship. Sort of. He was still mean and rude, but that was just him, right?

Besides, you are on top of the world. Across from you is the boy you'd pined after for half of high school. You'd finally, finally been accepted by him. You're elate with pure joy.

Equius sees you staring at Karkat with that what he calls "the look" on your face again, but you shrug him off. So what if you stare at Karkat? You did have a crush on him after all. It was perfectly okay to sneak a few glances.

Anyway, now that the two of you are friends, who knew what else might happen? Perhaps, just perhaps, you had a chance with the boy. Maybe you could woo him, maybe he'd take a liking to you. Your mind was alive with the possibilities. Maybe one day, Karkat would take you on a date where the two of you would have dinner and talk about whatever came to mind, a date where you could call him Karkitty and when he'd take you home, he'd ever so gently kiss you at your doorstep.

You can't stop yourself from smiling at the images your imagination brings up. Now that Karkat and you were friends there was no end to all of the possibilities.

"Nepeta, earth to cat-girl." A voice says, bringing you out of your enchanting thoughts.

"Hmm?" You say, looking up and glancing around.

"I said are you coming with us to Starbucks after school?" Terezi asks.

"Oh, yes, that sounds fun." You say with a smile and a quick glance at Karkat.

"Yes." Says a grumpy Equius. "Fun."

**-Senior Year-**

It's the first day of senior year, and even though Karkat sits across from you, you're not near as happy about it as the year before.

In front of you sits Karkat, who looks sort of pleased, a look you didn't see often. His fingers are intertwined with Terezi's, her head is on his shoulder.

You feel sick to your stomach.

The two had started dating over the summer and were now inseparable. They were together 24/7. It was unbearable to you. After all that time you'd been so sure that you had a chance with Karkat, only to have it snatched out from under you like some terrible magic trick.

Now you were being put through the torture of watching the boy you loved with every ounce of your soul with another girl. At first you'd merely hoped that it wouldn't last long, but that obviously wasn't the case. The relationship had only grown closer with the few months it existed. Now you'd lost all hope at a chance with Karkat.

Through all of this, your heart was being mutilated. It'd been spun into the finest thread, sewn into the most beautiful cloth, then burned to ashes by the white hot fires of despair. You kept putting yourself through this intense pain, though. It wasn't like you could just up and stop being the couple's friend.

Only one more year. You repeat the phrase like a mantra in your head. One more year and you'd never have to see Karkat or Terezi again, one more year and you'd be free from this school, where you were locked in too-tight confinements and forced to bear witness to the one thing that ripped your heart in two.

Until you graduate, you'll just continue to doodle his name in your notebooks, continue to hold on to a hope with no hope, continue to put on a smile and watch the world go by.

Only one more year and you were free from a love that was going nowhere.

At least, you hope that's the case.


End file.
